Denise Welch Gets ‘Em Out For The Lads

The Loose Woman gives Frankie Cocozza a "treat".

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

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I've had some bad hangovers. Some serious "I'll never touch another drink again" hangovers. I once woke up 3 hours after practically losing my intestines due to some ill-fated vodka shots in Mexico to find out I would be swimming with dolphins. Desperately dehydrated and with those around me unable to speak English, I was forced to drink sea water while Flipper looked on, disappointed.

Just last weekend I woke up on a friends sofa, his dog licking my face, only to open my eyes and see that his family had come over to visit, thus ensuring that I'd spend the next half hour making small talk with slitted eyes and hair that closely resembled Edward Scissorhands on meth.

However, neither of these hangovers could possibly compare to Loose Women host Denise Welch's the morning after she made the drunken decision to whip 'em out and get in the hot tub with Frankie Cocozza.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Denise Welch topless in the hottub (Pic: Channel 5)

Frankie, who has the haircut of at least 3 lesbians that I know, didn't seem to mind Denise being there in all her glory. Likewise Denise didn't seem to mind being in the tub with Frankie, despite him being younger than her son. We mind, though, because it's weird and the only boobs we're used to seeing on telly are ones that have been created in a Hollywood back alley and have all the malleability of a lump of concrete.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Denise Welch topless in the hottub (Pic: Channel 5)

Luckily, Nicola McLean was on hand to lend Denise a helping hand, putting her top back on her and possibly saving her marriage for another week or so. Don't think we've forgotten about you though, Nicola, oh no. We saw what you did.

*Audible gasp* are they… are they kissing? Has Frankie pulled a female who isn't a drunk student fangirl looking to get some column inches in The Sun? Well, no. While this photo looks incriminating the pair never actually went the whole way (a feeling Frankie likely recognises from his numbered days on the X Factor), they just kind of hovered in each others faces for a short while. It was a bit weird. We can imagine her footballer husband Tom Williams won't be too happy, although when your wife's biggest claim to fame thus far is hosting a programme called WAG's World on Wedding TV I imagine that his expectations weren't too high to begin with.

This, however, leads me on to a bigger point: how does Frankie Cocozza do it? Seriously, how? Is it the cockney chimney sweep accent? The tattoo's on his arse cheek? Or maybe, and I'm starting to believe this theory more and more with each passing day, within his hair there lies some form of plant that emits a special kind of scent that attracts women towards him. I'd much rather believe that he's some human/Bulbasaur hybrid than the alternative – that women can genuinely be attracted to a guy who was responsible for this;


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