We like to think our parents had sex one time. To make you. Or several times, depending on your siblings. But let’s be honest — your parents are probably a lot more into sex than you think. And while that may be absolutely disgusting to think about – it’s a hard truth to learn.
Think about the things you’ve done. Now, tack on x-amount more years of carnal knowledge and experience. Yep. That’s real, my friend.
We here at CRAVE have developed a little quiz to help you find out if your parents are the swinging sexual dynamos they hoped they’d grow up to be.
Reader tread lightly:
1. Is there always some type of lubrication around your parent’s house? Lotion? Vaseline? Or any other water or oil-based gels and liquids?
a.) I think there are, but I wouldn’t know where to look.
b.) I think we have a bottle of Jergens in the bathroom.
c.) Yeah, it’s one of those things that’s always on the grocery list, even if we have plenty.
d.) I swear to god you could turn our house into a f-cking slip’n’slide.
2. Your parents go to the movies. What are they most likely to see?
a.) A standard rom-com.
b.) A sexy action thriller.
c.) Anything in which Mickey Rourke mounts someone.
d.) Anything with “titty-smack” in the title.
3. You go to walk your dog, but the leash is missing, where are you most likely to find it?
a.) Usually nearby somewhere.
b.) Under the sofa.
c.) For some reason, in the freezer.
d.) Around your father’s neck while he watches 60 Minutes.
4. Your parents have joined a book club. What are they reading?
a.) The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.
b.) John Grisham.
c.) The Scarlet Letter.
d.) Moby’s Dick is Gigantic.
5. More often than not, the dinner table shakes because:
a.) One of the legs is short than the others.
b.) The dog is under there.
c.) Restless leg syndrome.
d.) Someone’s getting an sweet HJ.
6. Your parents come back from a dinner party; you can usually overhear them say:
a.) “The soup was fantastic.”
b.) “Karen is doing really well for herself.”
c.) “Gee, Bob sure is handsome.”
d.) “I can hardly walk straight. Let’s go again next week!”
7. A mysterious package comes in the mail. It’s probably:
a.) A crockpot.
b.) New shades for the living room.
c.) Edible undies.
d.) All-in-one sex swing with matching gimp outfit.
8.) Your mom leaves her email open on the computer, she’s gotten messages from:
a.) Uncle Frank.
b.) Pastor Dave.
c.) Naughty Nancy.
d.) “Your new webcam channel is now available for use”
9. You spot your dad out to dinner with another woman. You tell your mom. She:
a.) Flies into a jealous rage.
b.) Doesn’t speak for months.
c.) “He beat me to it.”
d.) Responds, “I was there too, I was just under the table.”
If you answered mostly (a), your parents are pretty far away from sexual liberation.
If you answered mostly (b), your parents may be a bit boring, but not too bad.
If you answered mostly (c), your parents are enjoying a rather healthy sex life.
If you answered mostly (d), your parents are probably having sex while you read this.
CRAVE ONLINE has been seeking justice since it saw its parents gunned down outside the Opera.