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As you prop yourself against the bar tonight you will unwittingly find yourself faced with the 7 Deadly Sins in a female disguise.
Here is your guide to the temptation that awaits you:
Steve said she’s amazing in bed; Dave gave her a solid 9/10; Neil said that he had his way with her in the toilets in The Horse and Pheasant. Neil’s probably lying, as per usual, but it still doesn’t detract from the fact that you’ve heard a lot of good things about Lust.
Charming in the sense that she will laugh at everything you say (even that dodgy joke about the Irishman and the Taliban), sexy in the sense that she is immensely attainable, Lust probably has a lot of deep-rooted insecurities that have lead her to such a questionable lifestyle, and could do with a decent guy to show her some respect.
Unfortunately, you’re not a decent guy. Paying for her cab fare home in the morning is a start, though.
There are 2,492 people in attendance tonight; of that number, 1,503 are male. That leaves you with a 1 in 1,503 chance of taking the beautiful Pride home tonight, and that’s excluding the persistent lesbians. This percentage is dramatically decreased when taking into account the exponentially wealthy and the irritatingly handsome.
As you spend your night stood within her line of view, waiting for the right moment to pounce like a hungry, incredibly aroused lion, it is clear that you don’t really stand a chance with her; it is questionable whether anybody does.
She’s like a tempting, sexless humanoid that’s been sent from another galaxy simply to blue balls the inhabitants of this nightclub.
Also known as ‘Prides chubby little mate’, Gluttony is a tormented soul that can usually be found slumped outside of the club, cigarette in hand, wiping the mascara stains away from her eyes with the sleeves of her way-too-tight dress.
Though you may be inclined to offer your shoulder for her to blubber upon, and maybe even comfort her with an insincere compliment or two, it is clear to everyone that Pride has spurned your advances and now you have to settle for second best.
However, you’re pre-occupied with more pressing concerns – such as whether or not she’ll force you to share your post-night-out doner kebab.
Also known as ‘the ex’, Wrath is a formidable force that must be confronted when attempting to delve into the pants of yet another hapless blonde.
For although you still retain some degree of love for her, there are only so many jibes towards the size of your penis you can handle before you resort to similarly undignified tactics.
As you stand at the bar with your lads, waxing lyrical about that disgusting sex thing she made you do that one time, you unwittingly ignite a fully-fledged war of the sexes that begins with talk of her unkempt lady garden, and culminates (unfortunately) with your premature ejaculation.
Before you stumbled into conversation with Sloth in the smoking area, her day had consisted of attempting to cure an MDMA hangover with a Starbucks Latte (paid for using her ‘Jobseekers’ Allowance), going back to bed for a few hours, and waking up with no time to wash her hair/change her clothes.
“Hygiene is for conformists”, she tells you from behind the thick black frames of her glassless glasses, before shrugging indifferently to your offer of a drink. This sort of lifestyle is afforded to her by your tax money, so it seems only fair that you get something in return tonight.
But beware; a prolonged relationship with Sloth will inevitably lead you to a summer spent stumbling around a campsite, naked but for a pair of bright pink wellies, searching for the remnants of your dignity whilst ingesting a mixture of Frosty Jacks and horse tranquilizers.
Although incredibly gorgeous and alluring, Stacey is proving to be quite the difficult catch, what with all the competition and such. Fortunately, her vulnerable best friend Envy is a lot easier to coerce into the backseat of your cab.
After necking a couple of Sambuca shots with what you presume she views as manly ferocity, you feign interest as you listen to her rabbit on about how Stacey blatantly copied her fringe and how she always borrows her dresses, even though she is clearly a whole dress size larger.
“What do you think?” she asks. You stare deeply into her eyes.
“I think you are the most beautiful girl in the room and you are tragically undervalued… now, my roommate doesn’t like it when I bring girls back, so would it be okay if I stopped at yours tonight instead?”
Even though she has been in a year long relationship with Nigel, Greed has a nasty habit of making a few ‘mistakes’ every now and then. Like that time she accidentally boned his brother.
Nevertheless, she appears on his arm once again tonight, before quickly vanishing into a haze of smoke and strobe lights. Magically, she reappears by your side, with a drink in her hand that you somehow paid for. How did that happen? You haven’t a clue…
As you exit the club together for a night of disappointing drunken humping, you feel a modicum of guilt.
But hey, it’s better than her spending the night with a complete stranger. Come to think of it, Nigel should actually be thanking you for keeping her safe. He’s always been the selfish one.