By now you’ve probably stumbled across a self-help book or two. You don’t like to admit it, but you were intrigued by ‘Chicken Shit For The Liver’ (or whatever crap they’re pedalling these days) and decided that you’d give it a read, y’know, for “research” purposes.
Upon reading the book you genuinely thought that you could venture into the big wild world and embrace it like the strong, confident, independent man that you are, but after about two weeks of greeting everyone you passed with a smile and trying to develop a “powerful posture”, you eventually resigned in the knowledge that you do not have the motivation to remain a positive thinker for more than half of a month.
Fortunately, I’ve devised a simple step-by-step programme that requires very minimal effort (none of this creepily smiling at strangers) that will help you on your way to becoming a new, revitalised man. Here is how to improve your life in 24 hours:
7.00am: Wake up and get straight out of bed. Do not set your alarm to snooze for 15 minutes.
7.01am: Urinate. Rest your arm against the wall facing you whilst you urinate to optimise the satisfaction you receive from evacuating your bladder.
7.04am: Seeing as how you haven’t set your alarm to snooze you now have an extra 15 minutes of your day to play with, so go outside and listen to the birds chirrup. After 4 minutes of ceaseless, loud chirruping, consider purchasing a cat to get rid of those bastards.
7.09am: Reconsider your decision to get a cat as you’re now a positive person, and positive people get dogs. Cats are for evil, lonely people.
7.14am: Pour yourself a glass of water, not coffee. You don’t need any extra energy today, you’re getting enough just from the positive vibes flowing throughout your body. You’re like a solar panel that runs off of happy thoughts.
7.16m: Make a low-fat breakfast. You should avoid anything that needs to be cooked. Stick to cereals such as Alpen, Muesli… basically, anything that looks like it belongs in a bird feeder.
7.20am: Brush your teeth, use mouthwash and then floss. Your molars should look as pristine and terrifyingly white as a hospital floor.
7.27am: Go for a morning jog. Feel the cold, spring wind hitting your ballsack through your running shorts.
7.47am: Return home, shower, try not to vomit up Muesli.
7.55am: Dry your body and put on clothes. Put your socks on before your underwear just to be a bit spontaneous. Walk around the bedroom for a while in just your socks. Become strangely aroused.
7.58am: Style your hair differently – nothing too drastic, just move your fringe from the left side of your forehead to the right. This way you can ensure that women in your office will say “have you had a haircut?” without you actually having to go to the barber’s and listen to his racist jokes for 25 minutes.
8.15am Sit down to watch some daytime TV for a while. Make a note of the most interesting news stories that pop up in order to break the ice with attractive females in the office later on by the water cooler. A woman in Sri Lanka claims to have given birth to an alien? Perfect.
8.30am: Get in your car and head off to work. Do not shout at pedestrians, fellow drivers or red lights along the way.
9.00am: Arrive at work. Make sure to whistle as you enter the office. Everyone loves a whistler.
9.09am: Sit down at your desk. Tell yourself that today you are actually going to do some work, rather than yesterday where you spent 4 hours doodling on your hand.
12.37pm: Ask Stacey whether she’s heard about that Sri Lankan woman who has given birth to an alien. When she says no, tell her about it. You’re a fountain of knowledge. You’ll be sleeping with her within the month.
4.42pm: You’ve been working for a solid 6 hours now so you may doodle on your hand for the last 18 minutes of your day.
5.00pm: Exit work. Do not shout at pedestrians, fellow drivers or red lights.
5.41pm: Arrive home from work.
5.52pm: Get changed into your pyjamas and those slippers you got as a jokey present for Christmas that have little cuddly cows’ heads on them.
5.53pm: Close your curtains so no one can see you wearing the cow slippers.
6.00pm: Begin searching for that cookbook someone bought for you ages ago that you’ve never used, as you live on a diet of pasta and dodgy chow mein from your local Chinese takeaway that Chris from work told you was once shut down because their ‘Special Curry’ was made out of rat meat.
6.40pm: You’ve found the cookbook, finished preparing the food and now it’s ready to cook. You’re starving. It should be good though, as it’s apparently a French dish and the only thing that the French love more than good food is poetry and emaciated catwalk models.
7.00pm: Still cooking…
7.27pm: Almost there…
7.35pm: It’s done! Sit down to eat it at the dinner table (not on the sofa in front of the TV, as this doesn’t help you digest your food properly which explains why your bathroom resembles Normandy Beach after a big meal).
7.58pm: Relax on the sofa.
8.07pm: Consider going to bed, but remain on the sofa instead.
9.24am: You slept on your sofa all night and forgot to set you alarm. You’re drastically late for work. Chris and Stacey are going to be annoyed with you because today was the deadline for that team project you were working with them on. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted, right..?
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