Decoding the Facebook: Jealousy

Find out what your friends are really trying to say!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Suffering from obscure Facebook status updates? Worry no more. We here at CRAVE have you covered with out DECODING THE FACEBOOK series.

This week we take on an emotion that gets all of us from time to time: jealousy. Is your chick dating someone else? Was someone else born with natural shapely breasts? We cover it all. This week the green-eyed monster is full force.

Take a look:

 

Dan (about an hour ago): Maybe I don’t have a great job like you do, but at least I’m making things happen for myself!

What they’re really trying to say: “Yeah, that’s right I work at Target, but once my acne clears up my modeling career is a sure thing!”

 

Stevie (7 hours ago): Dying my hair blonde again! Here we go!

What they’re really trying to say: “If Lindsay Lohan can be a complete wreck and stage a comeback after stifling cocaine and alcohol problems then so can I!”

 

JOHN is now SINGLE.

John (yesterday): Wishing you the best, Stacy!

What they’re really trying to say: “Rot in hell! We could have made it work! I don’t have to get drunk all the time! I just like to drink because it makes you prettier!

 

Monica (2 hours ago): Oooo, look at me! I’ve got full breasts and big lips! Go screw!

What they’re really trying to say: “I hate my little sister.”

 

Rick (moments ago): Nickleback is the worst band in the world!

What they’re really trying to say: “I wish I could write lyrics that sound like they came from a 13-year-old girl.”

 

Stacy (4 hours ago): I don’t know who the hell you think you are, but you just crossed a line!

What they’re really trying to say: “You think you can walk into the bar wearing the same top as me? Guess who’s going to get a ruphie in their drink tonight? Have fun with the boys from Chi Omega.”

 

Mike (a few minutes ago): I am no longer on the high-scoring leader board for Call of Duty.

What they're really saying: (clicking sound of a gun being cocked).

 

Rachel (2 hours ago): You think you’re so great with you wonderful with your two kids and your husband and your house, burn in hell!

What they’re really trying to say: “Every man I’ve ever dated has turned out to be gay.”

 

Dave (yesterday): Justin Bieber looks like a butch lesbian.

What they’re really trying to say: “I looking like a butch lesbian got me all that 15-year-old ass, I’d look like one too.”

 

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