St. Patrick's Day is upon us, and what better way to celebrate the proud tradition of Irish heritage in America than by getting wasted on vile beer, trying to sing drunkenly and atonally to The Pogues, and passing out in a growing pool of your own sick on the sidewalk outside of Carlos O'Brian's, or whatever vaguely Irish-sounding bar you've visited for the night? The actual St. Patrick was, himself, a patron saint of Ireland from the fourth century A.D. (he supposedly died on March 17th 461), who, according to what little information we have on him, converted many of the Irish locals, ordained many priests and, in one legendary story, drove the snakes out of Ireland (which I guess were a problem). I don't see anything in St. Patrick's doctrine involving with doing Jell-o shots, but we do them in his honor.
Since it is, these days, a very alcohol-centered holiday (it's the only time of year when people will allow green beer to touch their bodies in any capacity), and this is CraveOnline's Film Channel, I have done a little brain-storming, and come up with some wonderful fictional drinks and spirits that made appearances in movies. While you're getting blitzed on real-life drinks, you can imagine the kind of buzz these ales will give you.
from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005, dir. Garth Jennings)
The film, the radio drama, and the TV miniseries of Douglas Adams' geek sci-fi fave The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy all feature a mixed drink of various alien spirits that, in its description, “is a bit like having your brain smashed out with slice of lemon wrapped 'round a large gold brick.” While the characters casually down glass after glass of the stuff, its effect on your body seem to be equal to that of drinking a quart of paint thinner. But, y'know, tasting only slightly better. The Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster is an exaggeration of every mixed drink you've had, but with an outer-space exaggeration, complete with an enjoyable visit to the hospital. Many have tried to re-create the drink using Earth-bound ingredients, and a many have succeeded. Look online for the recipes.
from A Clockwork Orange (1971, dir. Stanley Kubrick)
The Korova Milk Bar is the central hangout for Alex DeLarge (Malcolm McDowell) and his droogs in Stanley Kubrick's dystopian surrealist classic A Clockwork Orange. It is the place where our main characters, a quartet of morally empty and violence-addicted 15-year-old British punkers, drink a few glasses of Moloko Plus, get a little bit high, and trek into the night looking for stuff to steal, gangs to fight with, homeless guys to savagely beat, homes to invade, and women to… er, rape. That must be some strong sh*t. The only description we're given of the drink in the movie is that it's milk laced with drugs. And it's sold legally to 15-year-olds, as far as we know. What's more, you serve yourself from the automated serving teats of female mannequins. Yum yum yum. Want some Synthamesc or Drencrome?
from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991, dir. Nicholas Meyer)
The Romulan Empire, you should know, is an enemy of The United Federation of Planets, and the Empire rarely has any sort of friendly dealings with their Earth-based counterparts. As such, getting Romulan cuisine is a dubious prospect at best. The Federation has made Romulan Ale – a rare, good, and particularly potent alcoholic beverage – illegal to Federation members. That doesn't mean that Captain Kirk can't have some at an ill-fated peace talk with a table of Klingon ambassadors in Star Trek VI, arguably the best of the Star Trek movies. We know little about Romulan Ale, other than it is bright blue, it is illegal, and that it makes you very drunk very quickly. And this is in a universe where most people tend to drink non-alcoholic “synthohol.” Even the usually well-mannered starship crewmen of Star Trek can get tipsy every once in a while.
from Battlefield Earth : A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000, dir. Roger Christian)
Little is loved about Battlefield Earth, a bizarro sci-fi vanity project of John Travolta and other Scientologists, which is one of those films that has earned a reputation as one of the worst movies ever made. I have seen much worse (watching the second Transformers film was a painful experience), but Battlefield Earth is still plenty bad. The bad guys in the film are an evil race of oppressive and greedy nine-foot aliens with giant hairdos, many fingers, and a propensity for overacting (and are always filmed at 1966 Batman Dutch angles, for some reason). When they're not stabbing each other in the back, or exploiting their human slaves for gold, they're getting drunk on a bright green glowing booze called kerbango. Which I would, frankly, love to taste. It looks like super Ecto Cooler to me, and, in my mind, has a sweet taste. Plus it's fun to say. Kerbango. Kerbango. Kerbango.
Nasty Canasta's “Usual”
from Drip-Along Daffy (1951, dir. Chuck Jones)
One of my favorite of the Warner Bros. Cartoon shorts, Drip-Along Daffy is a loving spoof of westerns wherein Daffy Duck (Mel Blanc) is the ineffectual would-be Sheriff of a one-horse berg in the Old West. His rival in the cartoon is a hulking thug named Nasty Canasta who eats guns, and has a particularly potent-sounding drink at his local saloon. He orders “The Usual,” and is given a glass full of Cobra Fang Juice, Hydrogen Bitters, and Old Panther (short for “ol' panther piss,” the nickname of strong drink to Chuck Jones). The booze is so powerful, it makes the glass hop and jitter around on the bartop, spitting flecks of acidic fluid every which way. It leaves burn marks. When ice cubes are dropped in, they immediately leap out looking for water. Nasty Canasta downs one, and it makes his hat flip over. Daffy Duck and Porky Pig are less lucky, as they are reduced to robotic green-faced madmen. I'm not a drinker, but I want to try that stuff.
Have a safe, happy and booze-addled St. Patrick’s Day!