Advice: Ask Ultimate Warrior Part II

More life advice from this titan of INSANITY!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe


Having trouble in the office? With your love life? Fear no more. The professional wrestler, The Ultimate Warrior is here to help you with all of life's little questions. What's that? You don't know who the Ultimate Warrior is? Maybe this will help:

Maybe something he has to say will help you!

Dear Ultimate Warrior,

There’s this super cute barista girl at my local Starbucks and she’s really sweet. I want to ask her out, but I’m not really sure how. She smiles at me all the time and she knows my name and order by heart. I want to be with her so badly, but I can’t find the words to express it. Any help?

-Love Struck in Louisiana

Dear Love Struck-

Look into the face of the devil and know that the only one who can save you is the leper king of the sea of demons! Forget petty insecurities and the buxom succubus you desire shall be yours for a fortnight in the kingdom of pleasure. French kiss her soul and lick the ash from her boots! Only then will you know the real name of the true dragon!



Dear Ultimate Warrior,

I’ve been trying to do my taxes and I just can’t wrap my mind around all of it. I try to do it and then I get confused and frustrated and I just give up. I want to get an accountant, but I just don’t have the money. I should never have started a small business in the first place.

-Mad in Montana

Dear Mad-

Wash your face in the cold blood of the defeated elders. By fire, you shall take all your strength and place the correct number in the right box, lest the crows pick out your eyes. Apollo will smite you into the earth should you forget to deduct your office expenses and may the hounds of hell drag you screaming into the abyss!



Dear Ultimate Warrior,

Oh my god, I was called back for Guys and Dolls at the Bismarck Community Theatre and I totally lost the lead to this dick, Trevor.  He thinks he’s this great dancer, but his tap skills are mediocre at best, and he can’t even hit that high C at the end of Act One. Ugh, I’m so pissed off! My musical theatre career is over!

-Sad in Sandusky

Dear Sad,

Those with vengeance in their hearts may only be quenched with the lava-fire of the juggernaut of Penthos! Woe be the wicked soul whose tap dancing compares only to the imps of the western stars! Feast on the galaxy. Make way for the baritone-tenor who honors the gods with his sacrifice of fire.



Dear Ultimate Warrior,

What’s your favorite fast food fix?

-Curious in Cleveland

Dear Curious,

I do not dishonor my body with the grease of the sacred cow, however if the bell of the Taco rings true I will answer the diarrhea call!



Dear Ultimate Warrior,

My demon fire is simply not hot enough, and the blood god refuses to answer my prayers. The universe is aligned for destruction, but all I can manage is a feeble earthquake of razor ice.

-Frustrated in Frisco

Dear Frustrated,

Most likely, your printer is either out of ink or you’re using the wrong kind of cartridge. If you can get the serial number, give the costumer service number a call. If that doesn’t work, don’t hesitate to take it to those geeks at Best Buy. Those needle-dicks will take care of it.



CRAVE ONILINE is credited in self-help from the NWA, NRA, ATM, and USSSR.