ADVICE: Ask Gary Busey

Love life on the rocks? Need help changing a tire? Clueless for dinner? Ask Gary Busey!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

We want to be clear about one thing: Gary Busey is an Academy Award Nominated Actor and certified lunatic. He's been known to tackle people at random, scream at reporters, and force people to pray to Jesus against thier will. Don't believe us? Check this out:

We here at CRAVE have decided to give Gary Busey his own advice column. Why? Well, frankly because he's a well-known star and he will work for buckets of raw earth. As we all know, Busey must sleep in the ground of his homeland. See if anything he has to say will help you out in the future!

 

Dear Worried–

Let me ask you something you pathetic maggot! When you were barrelling in and out of some wicked jezzebel, did you ever consider that your soul would turn to sour-mush and disgrace the forbearence of your ancestors? Your weeping does nothing than fuel the anger of the eagle. You want to be strong? Eat a whole bottle of vitamin C and bite the head off a mongoose. 

 

Dear Looking-

You watched my movies? Who showed them to you? WHO!?! My artform is practiced for me and myself alone. The fact that there was a camera on is a complete violation of my civil rights. They told me I was really trying to stop Patrick Swayze from robbing banks in Point Break. The populace at large cannot understand who I truly am or what I truly do. You want some advice on landing a roll? Walk into the audition room with a machete and lick the blade for 35 minutes straight. 

 

Faithless-

You are going to burn in hell for even waking up this morning you spineless, gutless, abomination of human being. God will not help you becasue you have yet to sacrifice meat upon the alter of Busey-tonia. If you're curious Busey-tonia is the planet I just bought. I'm moving there after I shoot Snow Dogs II with Cuba Gooding Jr. 

 

Hardworking-

It doesn't matter what tiles you put in your house becasue the goverment has already gotten to it first. They're watching you every single day and shooting radio-waves into your rectum while you sleep. Don't make eye-contact with me. We're being watched. GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. LEAVE THE CHILDREN. They're done for anyway. Let's make a pie. Can you see that dinosaur? 

 

CRAVE ONLINE was the first choice to play Mel Gibson's role in Leathal Weapon.