Why Imaginary Realms Suck

An honest and gritty portrayal of life in a fantasy world...

Kyle Krinerby Kyle Kriner

Ok, I'll probably get eaten alive instantly for this, seeing as how we all seem to be more concerned with the goings on in Westeros than our actual country nowadays.  Hey, the former is certainly more entertaining, but before you continue your dreams of donning shining armor and going all Heath Ledger on everybody's ass, let me remind you of something; they were called the dark ages for a reason.  And though these fun imaginary places are not necessarily Earth, they still take place in the dark ages.  And I'm sticking with that.  So let's take a look at some of the day to day drudgery you would have to go through to live in one of these wonderful imaginary realms.
 
Being on this side of the TV screen or the pages of the book, we conveniently get to ignore the horrid smells that most likely permeate even the cleanest streets of the Shire.  I can only imagine what people in general smelled like before deodorants, colognes, toothpastes, or half decent soaps were invented.  I'm certain that even the most beautiful golden haired, pretty-smiling (that's a thing right?) queen had breath that could kill a minotaur.  Combine that with the animals that were shacked up all over the place, the even dirtier and stinkier slaves that were everywhere, and the dead bodies that pile up wherever they fall, and your nose would be constantly offended.  Unless you were fortunate enough to be raised there, then your nose would be immune to it.  Sounds good to me.
 
I'm sure they're getting ripe in there.
 
So once we get done pretending that the whole kingdom doesn't smell like hot excrement, we can look for some fun.  Let's go to a mo-oh wait, they don't have those.  Ok, well we'll just find something to watch on T-oooooo, no again.  Do we go to a jousting match?  Sure, let's watch two guys with big giant sticks ride into each other until one of them falls off his horse.  Ok, so once that gets old (five minutes later) it will be on to the next event.  What might that be?  Maybe a public execution, which is ideal entertainment for your kids, or we can just go hunting for boars.  I don't know, I just thank God I was born into a world of cell phones, indoor malls, and actual things to do.
 
It doesn't look THAT cool…Ok, it does but that's not the point.
 
Ok, so everyone is probably bored to tears with all of these mindless events.  That would most likely explain why there are so many guys lining up to fight for a king that would probably behead them just for farting.  Don't get me wrong, there is loads of honor in fighting for the realm.  It's epic, and "Defender of the Realm" would certainly look good on your resume.  But is it really worth it?  God forbid you get nicked by someone's blade.  They'll probably just toss some dirt on it and send you on your soon-to-be-infected way.  No problem.  He hurt his toe?  Ahh, we're gonna have to amputate.  I gotta admit, they were efficient if nothing else.  Oh, and to hell with all the military benefits and school grants you get when you fight for America.  I'd rather be a Man Of The Knight's watch, where I get no visitation priveleges, and can never be with a woman again.  But hey, I've got honor right?  That will keep me warm at night if my wolf doesn't.
 
Hope you like "doggy style".  Get it?
 
In closing, I don't want to take anything away from places that we've dreamed and fantasized about our whole lives.  I just want you guys to think about how bad it would suck to actually live there.  Cuz who doesn't want to be valiant knight or a gorgeous elf-archer (or archer-elf)?  Problem is, you have to keep living after the cool battles and sensual love scenes are over.  And that would just be plain crappy.  So till next time, see you guys on the other side of the wardrobe…or not.