Suffering from obscure Facebook status updates? Well, worry no more with Crave Online’s DECODING THE FACEBOOK series!
This week, we take on Mother’s Day — the happiest of holidays for moms all over the world. And that means our moms, your moms, and the moms of every vague, dumb friend of yours on Facebook. We have developed a helpful little guide to help you figure out what your friends are really trying to say!
Take a look:
Danny (about an hour ago): Happy Mother’s Day to the best mom in the world, love you so much!!!
What they’re really trying to say: “No card, no call, but I’m sure a status update makes us about even for nine months in the womb.”
Patricia (7 hours ago): 19 years ago was the greatest day of my life. So proud of my boys!
What they’re really trying to say: I should have got a f*cking dog. They sh*t over everything you love less.
Steve (yesterday): Mother’s day is a made-up holiday by corporations to get you to buy stuff you don’t need. Mother’s day is another form of slavery.
What they’re really trying to say: Mommy would put cigarette butts out on my when I touched my penis as a child.
Beverly (15 minutes ago): Happy mother’s day to all my friends, you are truly blessed. Happiest of all days!
What they’re really trying to say: I’m barren and can’t have kids. I shouldn’t have made the doctor worn gloves back in college.
Bryan (moments ago): Happy mother’s day mom. I love you and will cherish you always.
What they’re really trying to say: I wrecked your car last night. But it’s okay, I wasn’t driving, I was getting a BJ in the back.
Tracy (2 hours ago): I am one happy momma. No one is going to have a better Mother’s Day than me!
What they’re really trying to say: I’m having my kid’s football quarterback over for dinner. Alone.
John (6 hours ago): Best wishes to Darla, and our new boy, Steve-Bob. Many happy mother’s day’s to come!
What they’re really trying to say: After Darla graduates high school in a couple years and I get my raise at Jack-in-the-Box, I’m going to move us into a double-wide.
Rachel (15 minutes ago): My kids painted me a picture for mother’s day! How sweet!
Rachel added a photo:
What they’re really trying to say: You call that a good use of light and space? Please. This painting looks like sh*t.
Forrest (4 hours ago): For all you people with “mothers,” just remember that some of us don’t have one.
What they’re really saying: I was born with an eight-pound head.
CRAVE Online wishes you a happy Mother’s Day!