In news that can be filed under "starts out kinda darkly funny but then turns out to be depressing as shit", two dolphins at the Connyland zoo in Switzerland died after they were killed by a raver's heroin substitute.
The dolphins, named Shadow and Chelmers, died a "slow, agonizing death" after forgetting to breathe following their inadvertent consumption of the drug. They passed away within five days of each other.
According to the Daily Mail, bosses rented out land next to the dolphin's training pool to organisers of a weekend rave (?!), which was attended by thousands of clubbers. A leaked toxicology report revealed that the dolphins were probably killed by a heroin substitute that was dropped into their pool, which was found in one of the animal's urine. Prior to this being revealed it was suspected that that the zoo's vets had caused their deaths.
Connyland's Nadja Gasser said of the dolphins' death: "The death went on for over an hour. It was horrendous. I have not been able to sleep since.
"When we went to start the dolphin training we noticed the same thing that had happened to Shadow was happening with Chelmers. We tried to hold him. He was shaking all over and was foaming at the mouth.
"Eventually we got him out of the water. His tongue was hanging out. He could hardly breathe. He was given adrenalin, but it didn't help.
"After an hour the dolphin died."
If, like me, you began reading this story because you were expecting an amusing tale of a pair of dolphins enjoying themselves too much and going out in a crescendo of acid and techno music, then I'm deeply sorry for ruining your morning. To make up for it, here's a video of a dolphin who's not on drugs humping a dude: