7 Truths Recent Grads AREN’T Told

First, pajama bottoms no longer acceptable as pants. That's a freebee.    

Sam Wellerby Sam Weller

I speak from experience on this topic. Having just graduated myself back in 2008 — Go Leathernecks! I think that was our mascot anyway — I know what it takes to hang in the real world. Can't you tell? I write for a comedy site!

Please pass this on to any recent grad guys or grad gals, I'm sure they'll gleam a chuckle, maybe even a tear, at what I'm about to say.


1. “Your first roommate will be an insufferable dick.”

It’s not you, it’s him. Or her, I won’t be sexist. But you roomed with someone in your department or a friend you met on campus after freshman year. You only bunked with buds. Chances are, once you graduate there won’t be too many “Folklore” majors just sitting around waiting to room with you.

You’ll need to withstand a lot of passive-aggressive action now. Maybe they leave out your dirty dishes even when they clean their own. Because punishing you by leaving an odor in the sink makes total sense. They sure showed you.  

2. “Your meal plan points don’t carry over.”

Oh! You thought that the extra $450 you shelled out a semester would have “roll-over” points? Sorry! Just because the Carl’s Jr. in the student union took your imaginary money at LSU doesn’t mean the one in Van Nuys, CA will.

If you’re really starving, head to a local farmer’s market. No, not at the stands. I mean in the trash cans next to the market. It’s like they pre-mixed a salad for you! And all that organic produce will keep in those bins FAR longer than their preservative-laden cousins.  

3. “Girls/Guys are not as ready to bang you.”

For any sorority gals or frat house men in the readership, you might want to sit down.

College was a pretty crazy time, wasn’t it? It seemed like every weekend people were hooking up and having fun! All you needed was to walk across the quad, add a little booze and it becomes a “no-pants” party! But now, people live far away from each other, separated by something called a commute. And all those underage kids that needed those parties to booze up? Not so much now that they’re legal (and nothing’s fun when it’s legal)!  

Sure, this keeps the amount of STI’s out of a single concentrated area low, but it does the same thing for sexy time. Just be content you’re getting away from Amy. She was no good for you, man. You’re better off without her.  

4. “You can’t guiltlessly play video games any more”

Say goodbye to those endless summers of wasting away in your boxer shorts while a rotating fan hums away, keeping your genitals at optimum temperature while you smash potato chips in your mouth and blast Nazi’s away with your sweaty thumbs.

Those were the good times. Those were the old times. When you were 19 and didn’t need a job.

5. “No one will remember what you did for the homecoming parade.”

This is a real shame. Because you must have made at least five phone calls to the head of your department asking if you could have the budget for more foam on the float. And the three meetings you called where two people showed up to build the friggin thing. It all cumulated in the zero hours of sleep you’d manage to get while making sure the expression on your mascot: “The Lexington Devil-Weevil” looked extra-smiley.

For you, it was a time of blood, sweat, and glitter glue. For your potential employer at Buffalo Wild Wings it will be a bullet point that says “good team player” right underneath the line that says “Graduated with a B.A. in Philosophy”.

Welcome, Neo. To the World.  

6. “Laundry, for the foreseeable future, will still cost you money to do.”

Maybe you thought it was a racket back in college. “How could they charge me for being clean…that’s a struggle enough!” At least the machines will be more readily available in your apartment complex or down the street than they ever were at 2 a.m. when every other stoned kid thought, “If I do my laundry now, no one will be there!”

Only problem, there aren’t any foosball tables or Golden Tee machines nearby anymore to whittle your hours away. You’ll have to settle for the classic game of Make No Eye Contact With Anyone At The Laundromat.   

7. “Life sucks for another four years before you get the handle of it.”

This is honestly the best piece I can offer. Just anticipate that you’re still going through growing pains, that you probably forgot to study the right things, that you won’t find a comfy job right away, and that you’ll still be faced with the stigma of being “new” to everyone.

Everyone goes through this. And we all make it out of the wood eventually. Except Amy. Did you hear what happened to her? Yeah, she got eaten by wolves. It was horrible.

Thanks to Christian Krauspe, co-host of Historectomy, for that ending gag. You should really listen to our show! And thank you in advance for following me on twitter @cravesam


Congrats to the Grads! Welcome to the rat race!