On purely evolutionary terms, the better looking or appealing a human is, the more likely it is to attract a mate, secure employment, or start a fashion line. Often a person's looks is just that. Looks. Surface level appearances they had no control over. Just the luck of the draw of human genetics. They have no baring on a person's intelligence or disposition. Sometimes, people are just pretty.
But can you be too pretty?
Example the first…
This is actress Caitlin Gerard. She was in the Social Network. She has a 100-watt smile. Long blond hair. Superior bone structure. And she's a pretty skilled actress to boot. Caitlin is unoffensive, appealing, and most of all, likely to earn your trust purely by looking at you.
But what is she hiding?
Clever. Glasses mean I'm human, right? …Right?
Here she is starring in a female centric series of videos on Youtube. You go to Youtube right? Don't you like pretty ladies to look at? I do. That's why I clicked on her image. Glasses. Slightly tossled hair. She looks so damn approachable.
If she wasn't plotting my demise with her every word.
Oh, sure, she might play a photographer that just happens to be surrounded by shirtless dudes and oh-so-conveinient-situational-comedy and melodrama. But beneath that Hugh Grant-esque shell is a person who lies. Plots. Decieves. She is an actress, after all. Their whole lives are based on lies.
I should know. I am one. Except I'm not pretty. That means I'm harmless.
Caitlin, you're scaring me.
What I'm getting at is that celebrities, especially talented ones like Caitlin, that are too pretty kind of bother me. They're too perfect. Too broadly appealing. It isn't natural. My emotions shouldn't be so easily disarmed. Touched. Used.
So using the parameters set up by Ms. Gerard, let's examine another disconcerting celeb, and why her looks bother me so.
Please don't touch your mouse wheel that way, it makes me nervous…
Coy looks does not a wallflower make, Ms. Watson
Emma Watson. Classic. She is just a cutey patootie. And maturing into a real looker. But getting beyond the fact that we've seen her go through puberty before our very eyes…c'mon man, is she real? She played a f***ing wizard, she knows how to control your mind!!!
GAH! Why is she so hot?! She's got that boy cut now too. You know how pretty you have to be to pull off a boy cut? Even after shedding the traditional long locks of feminity she still asserts such a pull on a man's heart as means to break him.
As she's broken me. She's too pretty to be trusted!!!
She's a bewitcher, an enchanter. And until she gets another prominient role in film, I will continue to use magical metaphors and analogies to describe her. As in: "She 'Houdinied' my shorts from my body".
She's peering into my soul. Possibly my anus.
It doesn't help that she's so damn smart, sassy, and confident! Bucking trends and stereotypes, subverting my expectations of a growing child actress. Why couldn't you be like Lindsay Lohan, crippled by tabloid prominence and coke slushies? How do you keep your looks, talent, and ageless appeal? See?! There must be a secret!
Wait! I think I know. She's not a wizard. She's a vampire!
But like, one of those day walking vampires. Like, her vampire mom mated with a dude or something. Like, oh what am I comparing her to? That Wesley Snipes movie…what's it's name? Oh! Blade! She's like Blade.
OH MY GOD EMMA WATSON IS BLADE.
I'm sorry. I have to take a break. I feel my mind leaving me. I'll come back later with some more opinions on celebs too pretty to be trusted later. After all, there's a lot of pretty celebs in the world. Maybe too many.
And in the interest of the ladies maybe I'll cover some men next time…
Michael "Magnetic Eyes" Fassbender
STOP THE VOICES, STOP THEM!!!
For more of the author's fevered thoughts listen to his podcast Historectomy on this very website.
And fuel his discontent on Twitter @cravesam