5 Draw Somethings You Don’t Wanna Draw

The new Renaissance could be happening right in your hands! Or could you be doodling your way toward oblivion?

Lee Keelerby Lee Keeler

The ball and paddle! Tiger LCD games! “Why-are-you-hitting-yourself?”! All primitive, classic forms of handheld entertainment that have been the very glue of keeping Americans occupied between various commitments and involvements! Without these inventions our worlds would surely shake apart and society would crumble!

There there, I didn’t mean to mention the end of our civilization. There’s nothing to worry about now that we have the equally portable game called Draw Something! Yes, just one simple iPhone app will bring us closer together as a people, drawing on our pop culture references and universal artistic anxieties! It’s such a blast to play that we at Crave thought we’d better warn you about the 5 Draw Somethings you don’t wanna draw!


1.) Wynona Judd

Her sister got real upset when the media called her puffy and recently published a well-versed treatise on the objectification of women. You won’t get this from Wynona! Why? Because 1.) Nobody looks at Wynona. 2.) Wynona will beat up your dad without even garnering so much as a twitch from her headset microphone. Coincidentally, drawing Wynona as a something means free tickets to her next concert are on their way to your house. And you are so, soooooo going.


2.) Student Loan Delinquency Letter

Hey now, what’s next, a pile of postal coupons?! Huh-wha? I don’t recall rifling through the stacks of unpaid utilities and parking tickets on my desk where I used to keep loveletters and pressed flowers! By jiminy, that sneaky Sallie Mae has taken a break from eroding my credit score to show up on the screen of the very object that drains my bank account on a monthly basis!


3. Your Grandmother Sitting Alone in Her House

Naw, it’s okay. She’s still got one working kidney and since that hip operation she’s feeling good as new. The neighbors have been coming over and take great care of her, and she’s been sending you those letters that you don’t get because the mailbox is full of student loan delinquency notices. Instead of putting pen to paper to express your deepest sentiments, let her know that you miss her in the most passive and distant way possible!


4. An iPhone

Whoa, irony! Nothing could, like, be more meta than drawing an iPhone on your actual iPhone! Except for that time that you hooked up with that stripper in Cabo who called herself Almond Joy and she was actually coconuts! Awooga! There isn’t a condom for crazy, my friend. Let’s just keep things in the realm of reality from now on, okay? Are we clear?


5. The Entire Goddamn Cast of the Hit Series Scrubs: The ABC Years

The janitor who was the dad in Mean Girls! The sarcastic doctor who was the swat team leader onSeven! Other character references to things you actually enjoy! It’s okay, this is way more fun to draw than the NBC years because if you look closely you can see the knowingly fake smiles of imminent cable-movie roles.


…We sure drew something: a crowd! Thanks for playing, gang! WARNING: Getting all 5 of the preceding Draw Something subjects in a row will actually trigger a nuclear silo in Grenada, resulting in the aforementioned end of the world. No seriously man, some unlock codes are cool, like in Mortal Kombat, but the only mystery character in this story will be you because the atom bomb would murder you at a molecular level. And check your mail.


Lee Keeler is the Producer/Host of The Hour of Power Hour and Web Editor for The Devastator Quarterly, “The Quarterly Comedy Magazine for Humans”.