Decoding the Facebook: Breakups

“Well, honey,  we had a good run… YOU GODFORSAKEN SKANK!!! Let’s make it work!!!”

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Breakups suck. And with school ending, summer starting, and flowers blooming – people are starting to go their separate ways time and time again. Luckily, we have FACEBOOK, which allows you to share your emotions with everyone on the planet. And as we all know – after we’re involved in a breakup we’re clearly in firm control of our feelings.

Thankfully, we here at CRAVE, with all the knowledge and power of 1,000 lifetimes behind us, have helped develop a little quiz to let you know what your Facebook friends are really trying to say: DECODING THE FACEBOOK.

 

Michelle (about an hour ago): I don’t want him anymore, you can have him you stupid skank.

What they’re really trying to say: Man, it’s going to be hard walking passed my little sister’s room when I know he’s in there from now on.

 

Brian (yesterday): I got everything I need in the world. I got good beer, good wings, and good buds.

What they’re really trying to say: With every hot wing and every sip of beer I want to cry. No one has touched me like you since I was an Altar Boy.

 

Rachel (6 hours ago): You know, sometimes you just need to look at the glass half-full.

What they’re really trying to say: Maybe if I start throwing up after I eat this won’t happen so much anymore.

 

Steve (moments ago): I'm a FREE MAN!!! Nothing but the sweet single life for Steve!

What they’re really trying to say: Someone help me! I’ve never been so lonely and that bottle of Drain-o is look pretty good.

 

Sandra (2 hours ago): This song really kind of sums me up right now.

What they’re really trying to say: If anyone really knows what it’s like to be a broken-hearted fourteen-year-old with diabetes, it’s Britney.

 

Mike (8 hours ago): “Always look on the bright side of your life” – Dad.

What they’re really trying to say: Despite the fact that Dad was divorced twice, a bitter alcoholic, and about emotionally available as a brick wall, people will believe I have a strong connection with him if I put it on Facebook. Fingers crossed for future alimony payments!

 

Destiny (9 hours ago): That’s it. I’m done with men. It’s on to women.

What they’re really trying to say: Women are clearly a logical choice for someone to date, especially those looking for a “stress-free relationship.”

 

Forrest (10 hours ago): That’s it. I’m done with women. On to men.

What they’re really saying: Men are clearly a logical choice for someone to date, especially those looking for a “relationship built on mutual respect… and anal.”

 

Dina (yesterday): If you really love someone… let them go.

What they’re really trying to say: If you really, really love someone, chop them up and bury them in the crawlspace.

 

There is no CRAVE ONLINE, only Zuul.