So as of June 5th, 2012 it will be 60 years since Queen Elizabeth II was given the throne to the United Kingdom, an "achievement" which is known as her Diamond Jubilee. And what an achievement it is, her surviving slightly longer than all those other Kings and Queens; it must have been really difficult for her to maintain a life of opulence whilst completely unfettered by otherworldly activities such as democracy and progression.
So as you prepare to celebrate the continued life of a rich woman whom you will never meet, here are 6 ways in which you can do so:
1. Become a Racist For a Day
If you're going to support elitism in the form of the Royal Family then why not extend your championing of inequality to include lashing out at racial minorities, too? Oh, and don't forget about them bloody homosexuals! You'll get along great with Prince Philip.
2. Chip in to Buy Her That Yacht She Wanted
Remember when Education Secretary Michael Gove suggested that some of our tax money should go to buying the Queen a £60million yacht for her Jubilee? Well I've got a sneaking suspicion that yesterday's (June 4th) celebrations in the River Thames was all a big plan orchestrated by the Queen to tug on our heartstrings enough for us to consider agreeing with him. "One does very much like this giant gold-plated ship, but one considers a yacht to be much more badass", she probably thought to herself.
3. Listen to Your Grandparents Recount Stories You Don't Care About
"I remember when the Queen first got into power. I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions back then, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…"
4. Buy Silly Wigs
Become the life and soul of the party by buying those attending your jubilee celebration Union Jack-emblazoned wigs! You've always been the funny one in your circle of friends.
5. Drink a Load of Tea
Many of those who champion the Royal Family speak of traditionalism, but we don't need to keep every element from our country's past just for the sake of maintaining our heritage – if that was the case then you might aswell celebrate the jubilee by pouring shit out of your bedroom window before staging a public execution. The one thing we definitely should keep going strong, however, is our nation's love for tea, because tea is awesome.
6. Wander Drunkenly Through the Streets Singing Sex Pistols
"GOD SAVE THE QUEEN, THE FASCIST REGIME!" you sing throughout the streets, the very embodiment of antiestablishmentarianism. Then someone reminds you of John Lydon's butter advert and you suddenly don't feel as eager to fight the power anymore.