"It's not you, it's me… but we can still be friends!" Oh, we can be friends, can we? Friends who once put our mouths around and inside of each others genitals? Please, tell us more about this friendship we can now embark on after months of sex and two misguided attempts at anal. Do you attempt to anally penetrate your friends? Because if you don't, then I'm not sure how this is going to work. Do we just jokingly bring it up in one of our platonic outings to the cinema? "Hey, remember when we were boyfriend and girlfriend, and I tried to put my penis in your bum? Ha! What a laugh that was!"
It's hard to break up with someone – not that we men would know, of course, because the vast majority of the time we are on the receiving end of our partner telling us that they no longer "think it's gonna work", or that they "aren't sure where it's going".
We're not entirely sure why we rarely seem to be the ones in the relationship who decide that things have run their course – perhaps it's because we get too comfortable too easily, or perhaps it's because we're worried that if we split up with our girlfriend then we won't get to have sex again for at least another 5 months because, let's face it, it was a miracle that anyone fell for our unique brand of obnoxiousness and unintelligence in the first place. You women get to initiate almost every break up, making you firmly in control. And if you've seen what we're like with the TV remote, then you should know that we don't like not being in control.
So as you slip away into the shadows, we descend into the three stages of a bad break-up:
Stage 1: We briefly turn to alcohol, hoping that stumbling about and dribbling over ourselves in some shithole club will eventually lead to someone having sex with us, thus reminding us that our friends were right when they said that there were plenty more fish in the sex and that we aren't going to die alone.
Stage 2: We resign ourselves in the knowledge that we probably are going to die alone.
Stage 3: After a few weeks of finding no other female who will put up with us, we decide to pester our ex via phone and Facebook into meeting up with us again.
This is where you women now need to make a crucial decision. When we call you up in the vein hope that you will agree to meet up with us, do you either:
A: Agree to go out and have a coffee with us out of pity,
or B: Ignore us and hope that we'll eventually go away?
If you choose B then you're the kind of cold-hearted bitch who we'll eventually write some shoddy bitter and resentful song about, but if you choose A then you'll find yourself in the difficult position of having to sit opposite us with a latte whilst we have a mental breakdown in the middle of Starbucks. You can't win either way.
It all boils down to us not liking change. Whereas you women are constantly thinking of making progression in terms of your career, your relationships and your general life, after around 2 months of being in a relationship we men are quite happy to now spend the rest of our days sitting in front of the TV blithely picking our noses. If you leave us then we're put in a position where we now have to actively go out and search for someone else, so by you agreeing to meet up with us, thus leading us to believe that you might consider giving our relationship another go, you're actually just keeping us tethered to the idea that there might be a chance that we can still spend the rest of our days in front of the TV picking our nose.
Of course, there is no way of you knowing this. As we sit opposite you in Starbucks with bags under our eyes and the beard of a Game of Thrones extra, you are probably under the impression that you have broken us. But as romantic as it may seem that you telling us that we can "still be friends" has inspired us to pull a Bon Iver and run off into the woods in a strop, we aren't heartbroken because we have lost you – we are heartbroken because we're now going to have to find another female who will put up with us.