The Grown Man’s Guide: Using the Restroom

Whether public or private, let em’ know how LOW you hang.

Sam Wellerby Sam Weller

This post has been CENSORED by The Man.

Word up my fellow men. Ready to call out some bull***t the Progressive Liberal Feminist’s agenda wants you and your children to believe? I know I am. It’s time to take back the Roku remote and un-hide your porn bookmarks because Sam Weller is here to defend your masculinity.


Trust me, I’m an expert on masculinity:

I ventured into a men’s public restroom recently … no wait, there’s more … and saw an amazing sign hanging in the sit-down stall:

“Dear whoever pi**es on the toliet seat,
    Please try putting up the seat when using the restroom. I can tell by your repeated attempts at pi****g    correctly that you don’t have any clue what that is, so I’ll explain. It’s the plastic thing that you cover with your urine and refuse to wipe up. Also, flushing. And by the way, I know you have dark hair because of the little pubes that you leave on the seat. I would prefer keeping whatever diseases I know you have to yourself.
        Thank you, toliet seat pi**er.”

Now, while this gentleman has an honest grievance against the previous mentioned  “seat pi**er” I couldn’t help but have one thought for this pubic urinal sign poster:

What an a**hole.   

When is it one dude’s responsibility to tell other dudes what to do? Especially in the bathroom! What a passive-agressive piece of sh*t! If he had a problem he should have waited for that guy in the restroom stall and confronted him man to man! C’mon, p***y, what are you afraid of?

Just look at me! I see a problem and I direct it head on. Through the Internet.

So I have a counter to this D’bag’s vision of urinal stall ediquette. In bullet points. Because regular points are too soft.



Neither of these men are prepared to defend themselves properly. (via)


If you’re going out to a bar you know how sloppy drunk you can get. And how dangerous.

When using the stand-up urinal, make sure to keep one hand free in case you have to man-handle another guy in the bathroom. Things can get difficult, maybe even a little hard. You have to be harder.

And make sure to protect your balls at all times. If you’re using two hands somebody might think you’re diddling over there. Grown men don’t diddle.  




When we were killing things like Ted Nugent taught us, we didn’t need microwaves or a Dollar Menu. We had our hands. And our balls.

And after we were done maiming and killing an innocent animal so we could consume its nutritional humors, a massive dump had to be taken.

Let’s just say I don’t remember the part where Cro-Magnon man broke out a doily, backed out of the war in Iraq, and gently bedayed his a** with the nearby creek. He wore that stink like a Purple Heart, so that for miles around other tribes would fear and respect him.

He killed with bravery. Ate with pride. And sh*t with honor.





This doesn’t only apply when other men are in the restroom. If you’re in an empty stall they should hear you in the hall.

When you sit down with your newspaper or cell phone ready to text your hot chick, don’t just go through the motions like some kind of peace-loving monk. You never took vows to follow God’s law! You aren’t ashamed of your meal are you? From beginning all the way to the bitter end you should own that double cheeseburger.

Get ready to scream, groan, grunt, and yell. You have to show everyone how beastly you are by making the loudest sh*t rukus possible.

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Read more articles by Sam Weller here or follow him on Twitter @cravesam

Also, check out his podcast Historectomy. New episodes post every weekend to get your party started right.