The Grown Man’s Guide: Declaration of Independence

Put away your United Nations silly-pants and strap into some USA jean-shorts! WOOOO!

Sam Wellerby Sam Weller

It's the 4th of July. Now before you think I'm going to advocate some kind of blowout, Gulf War ending, violation of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Act fireworks show, I'm not…


…saying that's good enough for America!!! As an American you should blowing sh*t up every single moment you're alive.


No, I need to stress that this July 4th you think of the history of independence. Namely, the brave fighting men and women that shed their blood for this country. And the old white men that wrote up the reasons why we hate the British. Yeah, that history.


And just like in high school, I study while cracking the pull tab on a 30 stone of Keystone Light. The alchoholic humors racing through my once pure bloodstream freeing up the flow of oxygen into my brain, making sure I never forget how we suplexed the Chinese in Vietnam.


But for those of you with a lack of good book learning, I'm going to tell it to you straight. I'm going to break down one of the most important pieces of paper in our democracy and distill it in a way real Americans can understand. The Declaration of Independence. Line by line, quote by quote, until you get the real meaning of it.


Or get so fired up you shove bleed red, white, and blue out of your eye-sockets.


“When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people (America)…to assume…the powers of the earth…to which the Laws of…God entitle them…mankind requires…they should."

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men…are endowed. (niiice)"

"Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive…Prudence (?), indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed (you hear that Obamacare!?)…Accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer."

"But when a long train (choo choo!) of abuses…design to reduce them under absolute (vodka)…it is their right, it is their duty, to (party)."

"The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries (torn ACL, thyroid cancer)…all having…absolute Tyranny (I haven’t tried that flavor yet) over these States…”

Then it goes in a weird laundry list of things that don’t matter for like 13 paragraphs, so TIME FOR A TOTO BREAK!!!



Okay, where were we…oh yeah, complaints…

“He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.”

I once had to wait in line for 8 hours just to buy tickets for Summerslam and I got pretty tired too. Imagine what that was like back in the 1400‘s.


“He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.”

I got your manly firmness right here!


“He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.”

They could have read this right out of my child custody case. F*** you, Debra!


“He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.”

Yeah, that stuff is unfair! It’s not right to keep your armies stationed in far-away places just because you suspect something might happen but really you’re just covering your own economic security through resources your own land doesn’t produce and try to justify the cost under the banner of protecting your country’s freedom.

I sure am glad America doesn’t do that.


“For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent”

You hear that Obamacare?!


 “For taking away our Charters…”

The Brits took our cable t.v.?


“He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people”

There’s only so much plunder in those seas!


Alright, last paragraph, big finish….


“We…the united States of America…have full Power to levy War…establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may…do…with…Divine Providence.”

See? It only seems long when you studied it in school. I guess if you don’t trust me you can double check my work by reading the Declaration of Independence, but I know you do.


So now that you know the truth make sure to go out and party with friends and loved ones. And even your enemies, so that they may never see the swift sword of justice coming for them as they sleep in their beds.

May the 4th be with you.  

Listen to more stuff about History in my podcast Historectomy and if you dare, follow me on Twitter @cravesam