8 Awful Pieces of Relationship Advice You’ve Probably Followed

Because "just being ourselves" never has and never will work. 

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

Whether it be in magazines, on television, in books or on the internet, chances are you've been given some awful relationship advice in your time. Unfortunately, chances are that you have also adhered to some of said awful relationship advice in your time. 

Here are 8 examples that you should steer clear of, no matter how many women's websites tell you otherwise:


1. Just be yourself

The Advice: "Just be yourself, and if she's right for you, she'll like you no matter what".

The Truth: If you took this advice literally then you would spend the duration of the date picking fluff out of your bellybutton. When someone tells you to "be yourself", what they actually mean is "be Ryan Gosling in Drive".


2. Ask questions

The Advice: "No girl has ever left a date complaining that she talked about herself too much. Ask questions and be interested in her response".

The Truth: While a friendly dialogue between you and her is necessary in order to conclude whether, y'know, you actually like one another, by spending the entirety of the date asking her questions you will become dangerously close to sounding like her psychologist / future killer. 


3. Let her know that you're over your ex-girlfriend

The Advice: "Let her know that you're a new man ready to move on with the next stage of your life".

The Truth: While you may think that politely informing your new squeeze that your ex-girlfriend was a "heartless devil bitch" will make her feel comfortable in the knowledge that you're over her, in actuality it will have the adverse effect and lead her to believe that you've got a shrine dedicated to her in your basement.


4. Ask her what she likes sexually

The Advice: "Before sex, make sure you ask her what she likes and what you should do to please her".

The Truth: There is nothing creepier than a man who asks "would it be OK if I lightly spank your buttocks?" before intercourse.


5. Absence makes the heart grow fonder

The Advice: "If your relationship has seen better days, try spending some time apart. You will learn to appreciate the time you spent together".

The Truth: One of you will end up fucking someone else.


6. Text her frequently

The Advice: "Let her know that you're thinking of her by sending her texts at random intervals throughout the day".

The Truth: While the odd "I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight" won't do you any harm, 31 text messages in the space of 42 minutes, each of which sees you referring to her as either a "cupcake", "muffin" or "pudding", isn't very Ryan Gosling in Drive of you.


7. Make her jealous

The Advice: "Treat her mean to keep her keen".

The Truth: No healthy relationship has ever been built on the foundations that the female is perpetually concerned that the male is unable to control his penis.


8. Go on a break

The Advice: "Putting your relationship on hiatus for a while will allow both you and her to judge whether it is worth continuing".

The Truth: This is a test to see whether either of you can attract someone better in an alloted period of time. If you cannot, then you both go back to putting up with each other.

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